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2006-03-02 - 09:43 I'm feeling a little better about my job lately. I've been given an assignment or two outside the usual "look busy" routine and it feels like they actually value me. For now. I told my supervisor and my cohort-in-crime (Dennis and Marilyn, respectively) about my illness. Gave them the NAMI web pages and a very good explanation. They're supportive for the moment. Do you see a theme permeating this entry? Maybe that I can't see how anyone would genuinely value me? Well, I can't. Another example, and this one really sticks with me, is this: I'm a little bigger than your average supermodel, 178 pounds as of this morning. So a lot bigger than your average supermodel (but still smaller than your average American, so there). I can wear a size 12 on a good day. Anyway, anyone who has read more than one entry knows that I'm sensitive about this. Lincoln, on the other hand, actually finds me attractive. Could it be? I mean, I know J.R. found me attractive, but that guy is 300 pounds. He can't really be picky. Lincoln is 6 feet, 180 and in great shape. Bit of a gut, maybe--he IS 36--but very muscular through the back and shoulders especially and just a generally attractive guy when he's not wearing his fear-me-I'm-a-badass-chef-type face. He brought up the size of my ass IN BED last night. For those of you keeping score at home, that was a bad move. He got a big fat red card for that. Flagrant foul. But he actually claims I'm hot. He says I'm "womanly." I've always thought that "curvy" and "womanly" and "healthy" were just euphemisms for "fat." I just can't bring myself to believe that he likes what he sees. Maybe I should give up a bit of my cynicism and let myself be valued as I am.
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